My Mëtäl
by Monica Gilbey-Bieber
Summary: Salutations, fellow brothers and sisters in the best genre of music ever: metal! AWWWWWW YEAH! From the troll who brought you One Less Lonely Gurl and Plankton's Eye View comes an epic tale of epic proportions told from the perspective of a stereotypical metal elitist. RATED M 4 METULZ! \m/ NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SIRIUSLY! (Yup, it's a parody of the infamous My Immortal.)
1. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1**

AN: Special hornz (get it, 'cause I'm a metalhead and I'm more awesome than you?) to my new bf (Best Friend! What else, poser?) Vulture, goatsblood666, for helping me with the story and spelling. You rock! Carly (not THAT Carly who sang that wussy Call Me Maybe song, if it can even be fucking called a song!) you're the woman of adoration of my epic life, and you rock too! THE AGONIST ROCKS!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Salutations, fellow brothers and sisters in the best fucking genre of music in the world: metal! Awwwwww yeah! Well then. Let me introduce myself. I am he who calls himself Rainblood Öystein Cross Vülture-White, but my real name is Lee Dong Hae [geddit?] but I moved out of Korea because k-pop is for idiots, and I fucking hate the fact that I share names with that wussy from Super Junior! RAAAAHHHHHH! I have long, black hair that reaches my mid-back, without any other color because hair dye in unnatural colors is for posers and scene kids (with the awesome exception of Alissa White-Gluz; more on her later.) the worst of all the blights of society. My eyes are a deep crimson like fresh menstrual blood and a lot of people tell me I look like Herman Li. (AN: If you don't know who he is, then get the hell out of here, poser!)

I'm not related to Alissa White-Gluz, and I like it that way (incest is for posers and rednecks who are so desperate to get laid) because she is so sexy and so fucking hot. And thankfully as well, I'm not related to that goth poser chick Amy Lee, fuckers! I'm not a vampire, though, thankfully, because those posers have soiled what was once a metalhead thing with stupid pop culture and glitter. Ack! I hate glitter! My teeth are straight and white, and I have pale white skin which is even slightly lighter than my teeth, so I didn't even need the white part of corpse paint. I'm a warlock, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in Scotland where I'm in the seventh year, for I am seventeen years of age. I'm a metalhead, in case you still couldn't tell by now, and I wear mostly black, even though the posers are adopting the same kind of fashion. The thing is, we, the metalheads, started the thing with wearing black as a statement of defiance towards those fucking stuck-up prudes who think our music is nothing but noise.

Hot Topic is for posers, and I never buy my clothes from there. For example, today, I was wearing a blue denim vest, which I bought from a garage sale, that I patched all over (REAL men know how to sew, ok!) with the logos of Black Sabbath, AC/DC, The Agonist, Cannibal Corpse, Cerebral Bore, Mayhem, Venom, Bathory, Accept, Iron Maiden, Opeth, Deep Purple, Motörhead, Metallica, Slayer, Anthrax, Megadeth, and many more other logos which look just like a bundle of twigs to the untrained poser eye, but trust me, I can read them all even from twenty meters away. In addition to that, I also wore leather pants, and black spiky cleats for stepping on Converse-clad poser foot. I wasn't wearing any make-up. Make-up is for girls, thespians, drag queens, and clowns. Corpse paint is a different story altogether. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was raining blood, which I was very happy about. A lot of posers stared at me, and I roared at them like a true metal vocalist would.

"Hey Rainblood!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Chö Chang, whom I have recently converted into the ways of metal! Misogyny is for posers and hip hop wussies!

"What's up Chö Chang?" I asked.

"Nothing." she said shyly.

But then, I heard my brothers in metal call me and I had to go away.

AN: IS it good? PLEASE tell me, hornz! 4 TRU METULZ!111!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Jimmy's Note: I guess I can be considered an elitist myself in the general sense of the word in that I (personally) dislike pop and hip-hop that mostly consists of misogynistic lyrics, senseless hedonism, and monotony and honestly think that majority of classical music, rock and metal are superior to pop, rnb, and hiphop. Again, that is just my opinion. On another rather amusing note, majority of metal elitists actually hate Dragonforce.


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

Jimmy's Note: Hornz for the good reviews!

AN: Hornz to Vulture, my best brother in metal, for helping me write this new page in Satan's unholy tome of unholiness! By the way, posers, stop filling the reviews pages with your invalid, distasteful gibberish, OK!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was raining blood again. I drank some beer from a bottle I had. My bed was deep purple [geddit?] with thick, black sheets decorated with interlinked band logos that resemble spider webs, and again, I'm the only one who can read all 666 of them. I got out of my bed and took off my giant Iron Maiden t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black vest embellished all over it with headless, unclothed women (but remember, I am not a fucking misogynist! Female metalheads are hot! Metal needs more women! Angry red women!) making godless love to dragons shaped like motorcycles, a silver necklace with a Baphomet pendant with the crushed skull fragments of a poser "goff" girl with black, red and purple hair who committed suicide (suicide is for posers, but with Dead of Mayhem as the awesome exception to the rule) by using the Avada Kedavra spell on herself (Chö gave me the necklace as a gift), military green combat boots stained with a goat's fresh menstrual blood, and ripped jeans that I've patched up with more logos of death metal bands. I put on four pairs of skull earrings in my pierced ears and let my greasy, jet black hair stay down.

My friend, Gibbet (AN: Vulture, this is you!) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his long, waist-length black hair and opened his envy-green eyes. He put on his Mayhem t-shirt with black pants and spike-soled leather boots, again, for stepping on bloodied, Vans-clad poser, pedicured foot.

"Oh my fucking Satan! Dude, I saw you talking to Chö Chang yesterday!" he said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. Even a true fucking metalhead has to blush once in a while, you know?

"Do you like Chö Chang?" he asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No, I so fucking don't!" I shouted (even though I actually like her.)

"Yeah, right!" he exclaimed. Just then, Chö walked up to me.

"Hi." she said.

"Hi." I replied orgasmically.

"Guess what?" she said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, The Agonist are having a concert in Hogsmeade," she told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. Satan!" I screamed, and for a moment there, I looked like a metalhead version of a wussy valley girl (I'm NOT a misogynist, but I do have my standards.) who does nothing but care too much about her looks and everything that is superficial, but I LOVE The Agonist! They are my favorite band, besides Mayhem, and of course, the big 4. Every good metalhead knows who the big 4 are!

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" she asked.

I gasped.

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Jimmy's Note: Damn, writing this makes me feel like a poser. In reality, Rainblood (the Gary Stu of this fanfic) is even more of a poser than I actually am. The only belief we actually share is the feminism thing, sort of. And yes, Alissa White-Gluz is hot.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

Jimmy's Note: Dis chapta contans Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey bashin. Viower excretion advisd. (I personally loathe the two aforementioned books, but I myself am not shoving that down your throats. Remember, this is the elitist metalhead version of My Immortal, and hardened metal elitists love nothing more than to shove their beliefs down your throats.) Hornz for the good reviews!

\m/^O^\m/

AN: STOP SULLYING MY REVIEWS PAGE WITH YOUR NONSENSICAL FILTH, POSERS! Other than that, HORNZ AGAIN, VULTURE! Oh, yeah, by the way, I have no rights to the awesomeness that is The Agonist. I am but a humble fan of the beautiful Alissa White-Gluz, and of course, the band itself.

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

On the night of the concert, I put on my black, lace-up combat boots with platforms. I am a pretty short guy, just about five foot six, so I need these in order to see the stage better. Tucked in them were military fatigue pants. Then, I put on my black Slayer shirt. I wore dark blue arm warmers with spiked bracelets. Still, I just let my hair down. And I felt happy. Only a poser would feel depressed before going to a concert of one of their favorite bands.

I have also asked Gibbet if he wanted to go too, but he was too busy studying how to brew a potion that will turn all speech into metal growls. Gibbet also said that he doesn't want to ruin 'my moment with Chö.' Whatever he's talking about.

While waiting for some time to pass, I read 50 Shades of Grey, an honestly depressing testament to the deteriorating standards of literature today. Sure, I LOVE torture, can name and vividly describe in every awesome detail all the gruesome, bloody methods of torture and execution throughout history from scaphism, Brazen Bull, Blood Eagle, ling chi, to impalement, among many others, and think (and KNOW) that the Cannibal Corpse album arts are masterpieces. In fact, the complete set is displayed and framed with deep mahogany on the dark gray, ashlar-patterned, stone-clad accent walls of my room, just above my big, deep purple bed (with black sheets) with ornate carvings of Baphomet at the corners of of the bed's elegant, dark, hardwood canopy framing that is reminiscent of HR Giger's artwork. Man, HR Giger rocks! However, this book is just too vile and insipid, even for someone whose favorite books are Justine and The 120 Days of Sodom, both books by none other than The Marquis de Sade, my favorite writer. Man, he rocks too! Well, I was reading it in order to mock how those fucking Twatlight-posers are sullying torture and BDSM, two of my favorite things, besides real vampires that don't sparkle. (My relationship with Chö does not involve abuse, though. Only posers who are simply overcompensating for their microscopic penis size actually abuse their girlfriends or wives non-consensually.) I didn't bother to paint my nails because they have already darkened naturally from an incantation that I have cast on them. I didn't put on make-up because I look awesome anyway. I drank some beer, so I was ready for the concert.

I went outside. Chö was waiting for me there in front of her flying car. She was wearing a midriff-baring, loose-fitting Cerebral Bore t-shirt (they would play at the show too) that also flaunted her well-sculpted underboobs, a black denim miniskirt with a bullet belt that emphasized her pale, heavily-tattooed, perfect figure, naturally black nails from a spell that she asked me to cast on them, and corpse paint. (AN: A lot of gorgeous metalhead women wear it, ok! Jeremy Saffer rocks, although he has taken pictures of some poser bands such as My Chemical Romance, Bring Me the Horizon, and Avenged Sevenfold.)

"Hi, Chö!" I said in an elated voice.

"Hi Rainblood," she said back. We walked into her flying black vintage car with a license plate that said 666 and flew to the place with the concert. On the way, we listened excitedly to Cannibal Corpse and Mayhem. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the moshpit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to The Agonist. "All I heard was the sound of fish who'd drowned. All I saw was the inside of my eyelids. All I said fell short of reaching open ears!" screamed Alissa. (Of course, I don't own the lyrics to this epic song.)

"Alissa is so fucking hot," I said to Chö, pointing to her as she sung, filling the club with her orgasmic voice.

Suddenly, Chö looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok; I don't like her better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Chö sensitively and I put my tattooed, muscular arm around her, protecting her from the riotous moshers.

"Really," I said. "Besides I don't even know Alissa personally, and she's most probably married to some tool who looks like a Hot Topic reject..." I said, noticing that most great women are taken, lesbian, or dead.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Chö. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Alissa and Simone for their autographs and photos with them. We got The Agonist and Cerebral Bore concert tees. Cho and I crawled (Yup, we crawled. That moshpit was a riot!) back into the car, but we didn't go back into Hogwarts; instead she drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Jimmy's Note: Most metalheads actually consider it a faux pas to wear a shirt with the band you're going to see that day. In other words, it's a no-no for Chö Chang to wear a Cerebral Bore shirt to a show where Cerebral Bore themselves will be performing. On another note, as of this writing, Alissa isn't actually married. I also don't have anything against Hot Topic. I actually have friends who shop there, and other friends who shop at Abercrombie. I don't consider what shops you go to before I befriend you. That's just ridiculous.

I enumerated the first five torture and execution methods in this chapter that came to mind without doing any Google search. Furthermore, my favorite writers are actually JD Salinger, Herman Hesse, and Hunter S. Thompson. Also, Simone Pluijmers is no longer in the band Cerebral Bore.

And yes, seriously, Jeremy Saffer is one of my favorite photographers. His gallery is quite impressive, but don't check it out if your parents are in the same room as you are or if you're at school or work. He has a deviantArt account, and I'm one of his watchers. The guy's definitely got my dream job (besides architecture).


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER 4**

Jimmy's Note: Seriously suckish writing ahead. Reader beware. Remember, this is a metal elitist parody of My Immortal, and just like Cannibal Corpse lyrics, please don't take this fic too siriusly. 4 TRU METULZ! \m/

AN: I said, STOP FUCKING AROUND WITH MY REVIEWS PAGES, POSERS! Rainblood's name is LEE DONG HAE, not Gary Stu, OK! CHÖ IS DEEPLY ENAMORED with him that she is acting different! And she has been converted into the ways of tru metulz! They knew each other before, ok?

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

"CHÖ!" I shouted in surprise. "What in Satan's unholy name do you think you are doing?"

Chö didn't answer, but she stopped the flying car (of course, she landed it on the ground first...) and she walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the hell?" I asked.

"Rainblood?" she asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Chö leaned closer to me and I gazed into her bright, blood red eyes (She cast a spell on them which made them that way), and I got so lost in them that I had completely forgotten about my surprise and my vow to stay a virgin until I'm at least 30 years old, being the tru metulhead that I am. I felt her warm, yet pale body press against mine.

And then… suddenly just as I was about to let go and take a little breather, Chö kissed me passionately. She climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. She took off all my clothes as I disrobed her lithe, delicate body that looked simply exquisite under the moon's faint light. I even took off her sheer, lacy brassiere (which wasn't quite apparent under her short shirt) that cupped her sweet, ample breasts. We then engaged in passionate, physical intimacy for the first time, feeling each other's warmths against our bare flesh.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my deathly pale body became very warm. We even copied the positions of the corpses from the cover of the Cannibal Corpse album 'Tomb of the Mutilated', without the gore, mutilation, death, and torture of course. Just my face buried in Chö's sweet, womanly flavor that is so much like that of ambrosia, and not Sierra Mist like some poser thinks a woman tastes like. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Jimmy's Note: I just had to keep those last two lines. Also, I honestly think that I suck just as hard as the original in writing sex scenes. Pardon the bad lemons. Man, writing this chapter makes me feel sinful, as though I'm simply writing the grammatically correct, anatomically correct, slightly more feminist version of Naruto: Veangance Revelaitons. But this is 4 TRU METULZ! \m/ Yes, the poser who likes Sierra Mist that I was talking about is... (Hint: I have mentioned something about him approximately two sentences ago. And yes, he is a poser, even by my own standards.)


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5**

Jimmy's Note: Hornz for the good reviews!

AN: STOP CORRUPTING MY REVIEWS PAGE WITH YOUR POSER FILTH, YOU MEANINGLESS SCUM! The only reason Dumbledore swore was because he had a headache, ok! And on top of that, he was enraged at them for copulating in inappropriate places! PS I will continue spreading the word of Satan whether I get your five good reviews or not! I don't care! Attention-seeking is for posers!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Dumbledore made Chö and me follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

"You mean that wussy of a rapper?" I jeered. "Yeah, he is a fool."

Chö laughed too.

"There is nothing funny about that!" Dumbledore exclaimed angrily.

"You're being ludicrous," I said.

"Just move along, fuckers!" Dumbledore hollered.

When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Chö shrieked in a way that is so similar to the way Alissa White-Gluz does, "BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad, but Professor Snape said, "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Chö and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Chö?" I asked her gently. A true metalhead has a gentle side too, y'know?

"Yeah, I guess," she said. I went to the guys' dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a Dying Fetus shirt with black pants and cleats. When I came out…

Chö was standing in front of the bathroom, and she started to sing 'Hung, Drawn, and Quartered' by Accept. I was so flattered, even though she wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and she reluctantly went back into her room.

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Jimmy's Note: Again, I just had to keep that part about Ludacris. Also, 'Hung Drawn and Quartered' is an awesome song by Accept from their rockin' album Stalingrad and a gruesome method of execution that I didn't name two chapters ago. On a rather ironic note, I am actually a Christian and I do not advocate Satanism at all. However, if you so choose to worship Satan, I am not going to stop you. It's your free will, after all. Furthermore, NOT ALL METAL IS SATANIC, ok!


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6**

AN: Hush, you posers! PS I will persist in spreading the unholy words of unholiness of the one and only Satan regardless of your 5 invalid, meaningless opinions!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

The next day, I woke up in my deep purple bed, obviously. I put on my black leather pants that have been badly ripped in that epic battle against that blue-haired misogynist poser with Bieber-esque hair three weeks ago, a shirt with cracked, bleeding skulls printed on it with a Darkthrone logo at the back, and platform boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings and two pairs of inverted cross earrings in my ears. I wore a deep purple fedora to complete the look.

In the great hall, I ate a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning... without any milk, and a glass of the finest red wine. Suddenly, someone bumped into me and the remaining wine spilled on my top.

"Watch it, poser!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up because I was looking into the pale white face of a metalhead girl with bushy, jet black hair. She was wearing so much eyeliner that it was going down her smooth, pale, delicate face, and she was wearing black lipstick. She had a sexy Norwegian accent. She looked exactly like Angela Gossow, only, Angela is blonde. She was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw her, and yes, I did get a raging erection. I knew it was wrong, but it felt so right. I AM a guy, after all.

"I'm so sorry," she said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Hermione Granger, although most people call me Erzëbeth these days," she grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I bathe in goats' blood fresh from slaughterhouses," she giggled.

"Well, my dad works in a slaughterhouse," I confessed.

"Really?" she whimpered.

"Yeah!" I roared metallically.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Chö came up behind me and told me she had a surprise for me so I went away with her.

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/


	7. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7**

Jimmy's Note: Again, this chapter contains nasty lemons. Please don't drink lemonade while reading this chapter lest this disgust the piss out of you, or make you spit out the drink and ruin your keyboard. Hornz for the good reviews! AWWWWWWWWWW YEAH!

AN: As promised, I will continue to propagate the works of the one and only Satan. And by the way, I will write the next chapter, whether I get TEN good reviews or not! STOP SULLYING MY REVIEWS PAGES, OR I WILL REPORT YOU TO MY MASTER AND GET YOU POKED WITH RED HOT POKERS FOR ALL ETERNITY! Rainblood isn't a Gary Stu, OK, he isn't perfect! He's short, for Satan's sake!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Chö and I held each other's pale, white hands with naturally dark nails as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist symbols on my knuckles that I have branded on myself. (AN: See, does that sound like a Gary Stu to you? [Jimmy's Note: Well, to me it actually does.]) I waved to Erzebeth. Pure awesomeness was in her murderous eyes. I guess she was jealous of me that I was going out with Chö. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Chö. We went into her room with deep purple walls which were filled with artworks by HR Giger and Salvador Dali (Man, they rock too!) and locked the door. Then…

We started French kissing passionately (Who the hell French kisses passively? Posers, of course!) and we disrobed enthusiastically. I felt her up before I took off her top. Then I took off her black leather bra and I took off my pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then I put my majestic member in the beautiful, scarlet orifice between her perfect, pale, long legs and we HAD SEX. (See, is that stupid? [Jimmy's Note: Yes it is. I feel like a sinful, perverted moron now just for attempting to parody My Immortal.])

"Oh Chö! CHÖ!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when, all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Chö's arm. It was a realisitic, black heart with a blood-coated arrow through it. On it in bloody font that resembles arteries was the name… Cedric!

I was so angry.

"You twisted little fuck!" I roared angrily, jumping out of the bed. I couldn't believe that she has been secretly going out with that douchebag POSER all this time.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Chö pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDS anyway!"

I put my clothes back on huffily and then stomped out. Chö ran out even though she was stark naked. She had a heavily-tattooed, perfect, hourglass-shaped body with ample breasts, a small, toned, flat waist, and firm, rounded hips and buttocks, but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Cedric's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"CEDRIC DIGGORY, YOU SPARKLY MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Fun Fact: Rainblood, like Evony, is a video game.  
Another fun fact: Scarlet is also an adjective that pertains to sexual immorality in the Bible. Also, there is a color called Lust. It is a shade of red, just like scarlet. (Ironically, I am actually spreading the word of God in this page of Satan's unholy tome of unholiness.)


	8. Chapter 8

**CHAPTER 8**

AN: Stop interfering with my dark evangelization, ok! If you do interfere with my mission, then you are nothing but a wussy poser!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Everyone in class stared at me, and then Chö came into the room even though she was naked and started begging me to take her back.

"Rainblood, it's not what you think!" Chö screamed sadly.

My friend Ignacïo Guillotine Caligüla-Csihar smiled at me understatedly. He flipped his long waist-length crow black hair and opened his crimson eyes like fresh menstrual blood that he was wearing contact lenses on. He had pale white skin on which he was wearing corpse paint. Harry was kidnapped when he was born. His real parents are vampires (NOT the sparkly ones) and one of them is a witch, but Voldemort killed his father and his mother committed suicide because she, of course, was depressed about it and wanted to follow him to the afterlife. He still has nightmares about it and is very haunted and depressed. It doesn't help, too, that Lily and James (not a self-insert, mind you), his first adoptive parents died too, in the hands of Voldemort again, and that the Dursleys, his second adoptive family, did not treat him well. It also turns out his real last name is Csihar (he is a distant relative of Attila Csihar) and not Potter. (Since he has converted to the ways of metal and true Satanism, he is in Slytherin now and so is Chö, not Gryffindor, the house of posers, and Ravenclaw, the house of wussy hip-hop gangstas, respectively.)

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Chö, I can't believe you cheated on me with that glittery douchebag poser Cedric!" I shouted at her.

Everyone gasped.

\m/^O^\m/ CHÖ POV SHIFT! AWWWWW YEAH! \m/^O^\m/

I don't know why Rainblood was so mad at me. I had went out with Cedric for a while, but then he broke my heart, and to be honest, until now, I am still not quite over him... He dumped me because he liked Hayley, a stupid poser fucker. We were just friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was a true metalhead... Well, sometimes. (Haha, like I would hang out with a poser.)

"But I'm not going out with Chö anymore!" said Cedric as he pointed at that redheaded poser Hayley who always wore that hideous yellow eyeshadow.

\m/^O^\m/ RAINBLOOD POV SHIFT! AWWWWW YEAH! \m/^O^\m/

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you glittering pansy!" I screamed.

"Whatever you say, Lee Dong Hae, Super Junior wuss-ay," Cedric retorted, mocking my real name. Everyone else in class laughed at me, except for Ignacïo, who did not react at all. "Black Veil Brides rocks!" Cedric hollered, raising his hand, doing the 'I love you' sign language gesture instead of the metal horns. What a poser.

I growled at the fucker, then ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virginity to Chö and then I started to burst into manly tears and pound my fingernails against that one tree until they oozed dark red blood from the broken cuticles, and somehow, to this tree as well, I have lost part of my virility. My nails were so badly ruined, and I never thought I would think this, but I need a manicure. Wait, I am a warlock; I can always turn my nails back to normal!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Jimmy's Note: I spent five fucking minutes laughing my ass off at the silly replacement name I gave Harry.

Fun Fact: Attila Csihar, current vocalist of Mayhem, yes, THAT Mayhem... was a physics and mathematics teacher and is an electrical engineering graduate.

Another Fun Fact: My Immortal by Evanescence was playing on my iPad by the time I was writing this. (But when I reuploaded it here from dA, I was listening to Amon Amarth.)


	9. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9**

AN: Stop corrupting my reviews pages, ok! I didn't lay my eyes on every page of the seven magical tomes! This is from the film adaptation, so it's not my fault if Dumbledore speaks profanity! Besides, I SAID HE HAD A HEADACHE! And, the reason Snape doesn't like Harry now is because he is a poser and Harry is 4 TRU METULZ! SLAYER ROCKS!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

I was still furious and sad, and I couldn't believe Chö for cheating on me. I continued to weep against that tree where we made love for the first time.

Then, all of a sudden, a horrible man with red eyes and no nose started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose, again, and he was wearing all black. He looked like a metalhead, but really, everything about him screams poser. It was none other than Voldemort!

"No!" I shouted, but Voldemort shouted Imperius, and I couldn't run away, although I do have a strong willpower, which, by the way, is definitely metal. The spell just stunned me for a second, and I immediately got my control back.

"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Erzëbeth's fat, orange cat jumped from a dimensional cut that formed in midair. He charged at Voldemort, making him fall off his broom and recoil in immense pain from the cat's continuous clawing.

"Rainblood!" he yelled as he pushed the cat away, stood up and dusted his robes. "Thou must kill Ignacïo Csihar."

He is one of my best friends, and I would never do that!

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun with the Black Veil Brides logo on it. "No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Chö!"

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly in gratuitous Old English. What a poser. "And if you doth not kill Ignacïo, then thou know what will happen to Chö!" he shouted. Then, he flew away angrily on his pink, green and black Green Day broomstick before I was able to capture and brutally torture him, or even shoot him with the stupid fucking gun he gave me that seemed to shoot pink cheerleader pompoms instead of bullets.

I was so mad that I didn't know what to do. Suddenly, Chö came into the woods.

"Chö!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi," she said back. She was wearing corpse paint.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No.." she answered.

"I'm sorry I got very mad at you, but I thought you cheated on me," I explained. I soon understood that she got the tattoo a long time ago, and that I failed to notice it earlier. She simply didn't erase it even after they have broken up, simply because those arteries looked awesome.

"That's okay," she said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/


	10. Chapter 10

**CHAPTER 10**

AN: Stop it, you pretentious posers! If you do not like my totally awesome story, then fuck off! PS. It turns out that Erzëbeth isn't a muggle after all. She and Ignacïo are metalheads now. That's why they moved houses, ok!

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

I wasn't really scared of Voldemort at all. Why would I be, if I am in a totally awesome death metal band called Böats of Mithridates? I am the fucking lead guitarist, and album art illustrator as well! AWWWWWWW YEAH! Vincent Locke rocks! \m/ People say that we sound like an inverted cross between Scaphism and Scaphist. (In fact, those two bands are our main influences.) The other people in the band are Ignacïo 'Guillotine' Csihar on drums, Chö 'Lïng Chï' Chang as the screaming vocals, Erzebeth 'Blööd Eagle' Gränger on rhythm guitar, Ron Weasley on bass, although we call him Garrøtë nowadays: he has long, silky, jet black hair now, and Hagrid 'Bräzënbüll' on keyboards. Today, we were going to rehearse, but Ignacïo and Chö wouldn't be with us for some reason. I put on a black leather thong which resembled what the guys of Manowar wear and also resembled the one on Accept's album cover of Balls to the Wall. It showed off my majestic member. Along with that, I was wearing a matching studded leather vest which resembles what Rob Halford wears, that said Mayhem at the back (I patched up the logo myself!) and thigh-high leather boots FOR MEN. Some people might think I'm gay, but I'm really not. I'm just too awesome to give a damn whether I look like a wussy Chippendale dancer or not.

We were singing a cover of 'Encephalopathy' (by the band Scaphism, of course! They rock!) and at the end of the song, I suddenly burst into manly tears.

"Rainblood! Are you OK?" Erzebeth asked in a concerned voice.

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Ignacïo! But I don't want to kill him! He is part of this totally awesome band and he is our friend! But if I don't kill Ignacïo, then Voldemort will fucking kill Chö!" I burst into tears. "I tried to kill the no-nosed poser, instead, but he got the fuck away!"

Suddenly, Chö jumped out from behind a wall. So, was she hiding behind that wall all along?

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" she shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser mud blood!" (See, is that out of character? [Jimmy's Note: Yes. Very.])

I started to cry and cry more manly tears. Chö started to cry, too. Then, she ran out, still crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly, Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't because he had a headache.

"What have you done!?" He started to cry wisely. (See, that's basically not swearing, and this time, he was really upset, and you will see why.) "Rainblood! Chö has been found in her room! She committed suicide by slitting her wrists!"

\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/\m/^O^\m/

Fun Fact (Or not...): Mithridates is a victim of a Persian method of execution known as scaphism, which is also known as "the boats." Hence, the band name.  
Another fun fact: Apparently, the iPad does not recognize scaphism as a real word.

Jimmy's Note: If you followed rule 1 or 10 of the drinking game, go to the hospital now. You need to. All their stage names are actually execution methods. (By the way, the drinking game for this fanfic can be found somewhere on my deviantArt.)

Also, BoM was initially supposed to be named Scaphism, but since the name is already taken, I thought of something related to this concept, and based on my research, Böats of Mithridates isn't taken yet.


End file.
